Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OK. Is it possible that she is using her addiction to smoking and her fears about childbirth to mask her actual disinclination to be a mother? .
That's what I was thinking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by msRB311
It seems like people are really harping on the smoking which is bad but there are other major issues. I've known former smokers (some maybe not even former) who turned out to be good moms.
My mom smoked most of my life. And she was a good mom. Then she got COPD and the tables turned, and I had to nurse her through 3 helllish years, culminating in a stroke and her wasting away to death. Fun times. On the plus side - after watching that play out, my kid never even thought of smoking.
Right I am certainly not advocating someone keep smoking...but it's possible to smoke and be a good parent. Lots of people had parents who smoked growing up (personally i didn't) but had friends whose parents smoked. Now that we know better we do better. I just think this woman's attitude is bad.
How old is this woman? She sounds very young and immature. I think it's normal to be a little nervous about pain and maybe think about weight gain the back of your mind but these things should NOT be that big of a deal. Having a baby and becoming a mother should outshine all of these things. I dont think she sounds ready or even wants to have kids.
And if she is such a delicate flower how will she handle life when baby is here? Is she planning to get up throughout the night or someone else will do that too?
It seems like people are really harping on the smoking which is bad but there are other major issues. I've known former smokers (some maybe not even former) who turned out to be good moms.
Smoking while pregnant is inadvisable not only due to its effects on the mother, but on the baby. Prematurity, cerebral palsy, asthma, and other issues can result.
It happened in my own family. The mother was a chain smoker, who abstained from alcohol while pregnant, but continued to smoke. She almost lost the baby due to threatened miscarriage during the sixth or seventh month, but he eventually was born one month prematurely due to placenta failure, and was immediately taken to the PICU.
He survived and was a bright and beautiful child, but had moderate CP as a result of his prematurity. Later he underwent surgeries to correct his lazy eye and to help with his walking. He wore AFOs and had a scissors gait, and also had little fine muscle control in his hands, making ordinary tasks like writing or tying shoes difficult for him. His speech and intellect were unaffected, thankfully.
All due to his mother's inability to stop smoking while pregnant. She loved her only child dearly and cared for him well, but she continued to smoke heavily....all her life, which ultimately was shortened by smoking.
I am leaving out a number of additional very sad personal details in this already sad story. But acknowledging the damage smoking can do during pregnancy is not "harping" or exaggerating its dangers.
I can’t stand know-it-all’s. Not everyone’s experience with tobacco is bad. It has many positive contributions to health that many overlook.
Back to OPs Question, go for surrogacy.
$80-120k is worth it if the only thing stopping you/your partner is the pain. Personally, I wouldn’t expect any woman from my generation to not want surrogacy, since it gives your partner essential gender equality when it comes to the creation of a life.
The 9 months and impact of the body is something, we, as males, don’t consider relevant during this process because our mothers were able to do it. But we are in an age now where you need significant financial security to bring a new life into the world and with that security comes the option/benefit of having both partners experience equal amounts of changes to the body during the process.
Edit: I’m not the type of person who’d just hand off their kids to a nanny or school. Of course housekeeping assistance is great, but a nanny nor a school teacher is a substitute for a parent.
I wasn't saying that smoking during pregnancy ISN't bad....but the woman isn't even pregnant yet and there are a whole slew of other issues. Many reasons for her to not get pregnant right now...but people will do what they want.
^^^I agree with gentlearts. Please don't push her into doing something she is so opposed to.
When you become a parent you really have to check your level of "self-absorption" at the door. There's a new little life that matters more than anything else. It doesn't seem like your wife is ready for that.
If she has that much fear about it then I would not expect any children soon or at all.
You don't necessarily 'lose your figure' from having kids. I went right back to my regular size after having my kid. The bad news is that after she hits that marvelous time of life called menopause, she will probably gain weight anyhow.
I won't lecture about smoking since everyone is tired of hearing about it but she has to want to quit for any cessation attempts to work. There are a lot of methods out there that can help someone quit but they have to want to do it. I used Wellbutrin to quit but I really wanted to stop at that point.
I think she wants to be a mother, but she is very delicate. Her friend had a surrogate and she told her it is a way to have a baby without pain and renunciation.
The pains of being a mother go way beyond pregnancy and last a lifetime. The surrogacy is not a big deal. Being a parent is. Are you both ready for the commitment?
Does she actually really want a baby? Or does she just want to make you happy because you want a baby? I'm not sure she wants to be a mother, based on what you've posted (I could be way off). I agree with the question as to whether she might be using these things as excuses because she is not inclined to be a mother. I wouldn't push it. It might be that you are not compatible if one of you wants a child very much and one doesn't at all. It's not fair to the child. Parenting is rough enough as it is. If she is a "delicate flower," she probably isn't ready to be a mother, and she shouldn't be pushed into it.
I think she wants to be a mother, but she is very delicate. Her friend had a surrogate and she told her it is a way to have a baby without pain and renunciation.
"Delicate"? LOL. The woman is selfish, and seriously has no business considering parenthood. DO not have a child with this woman.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
